Blue Like Jazz Chapter 2

"I believe the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time"

"'I just want to know what makes those guys over there [Congo, but really any 3rd world country] any different from you and me. They are human. We are human. Why are we any better than them...?'" If I answered his question by saying yes, I could commit those atrocities, that would make me evil, but if I answered no, it would suggest I believed I am better evolved than some of the men in the Congo. And then I would have some explaining to do."

"' We have to be taught to be good. It doesn't come completely natural. In my mind, that's a flaw in the human condition.'"

"It's hard for us to admit we have a sin nature because we live in this system of checks and balances. If we get caught, we will be punished. But that doesn't make us good people; it only makes us subdued." 

"I know now the path of joy winds through this dark valley. I think every well adjusted human being has dealt squarely with his or her own depravity...nothing is going to change in [our country/other countries] until you and I figure out what is wrong with the person in the mirror."

I agree with this line of thought. Man is sinful we have been and always will be, but I love that God doesn't view us that way. We are redeemed, loved and chosen. But I think those feelings of acceptance require us realizing how much we don't deserve them.

New Blog

Just so everyone is on the same page. I have a new blog: twoostendorffs.blogspot.com.

I won't be posting on this one much anymore. Maybe every now and then, but just wanted to inform everyone! :-)

The Faith of a Child

This is my beautiful cousin Kelsey:

6 months ago, this is what she looked like due to aplastic anemia:

I've been keeping up with her story through her carepages blog. She's been on a roller coaster ride battling this disease. There was a moment when we all thought she was healthy again and would be able to live a relatively normal life, but that's no longer the case. Yet despite all that, this 9 year old still her faith never wavers. Here's an abbreviated version of what she said in her latest update:

"My cheeks are chubby. I think I will be Sandy (the squirel off of Sponge Bob) for Halloween. Dr. Radhi even said I have a little belly. I have only gained 2 pounds but it all went in my cheeks, so now I am up to 57 pounds. I went to church tonight and said a little prayer. God is watching out for me I know, but I wish he could send me a note telling me what is His plans. Please continue to pray for me and my family and my hospital and carepage friends Matthew, Lillie, Claire, Jordan, Fred, Josef, Bill, Sergio, RC, Alex, Amanda, Gavin, Maddie, Kenna (who just found out after a year of waiting she has a bone marrow door) and everyone else that I might have forgot to mention. Take care."

If anyone has reason to be bitter and angry at God, she does. Her little 9 year old body has gone through so much, she's had more blood taken than anyone I know (not only that, but she knows how to take her own blood :-). Impressive, I know!). I've learned alot from her on what it looks like to have life turned upside down, yet handle it with grace and a trust in God that is amazing! And through it all, she still thinks about others. She could be so self absorbed, but no, she's even more aware of what others are going through.

Just wanted to brag on her :-)

"The Motions" by Matthew West

This might hurt, it's not safe

But I know that I've gotta make a change

I don't care if I break,

At least I'll be feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time

I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind

Let Your love make me whole

I think I'm finally feeling something

'Cause just okay is not enough

Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions

I don't wanna go one more day

without Your all consuming passion inside of me

I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,

"What if I had given everything,

instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)

take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)

take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)

take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

The Gourd Stealers…

This past weekend I was in Tulsa with Kristen visiting my sister and her husband. On Saturday we decided to go to the Philbrook (an art museum). The original purpose for the property was a home for the Philbrooks who were in the oil industry. They designed the house and gardens in 1926 and spent something like 1.2 million dollars on the land, construction, landscaping and furnishing of the home. Several years later the home was gifted to the art community for a museum. They have some beautiful gardens there. One of the side gardens was full of vegetables that the museum donates to the food bank in Tulsa. It was a fun way to design a vegetable garden. They had these gourd vines crawling up terraces that were situated over benches. The gourds were hanging down and it was just a pretty display.

Once we were done walking around the garden we went back inside the museum and looked out the window to see a guy climb up one of the terraces and pulling two gourds down. He handed them to his mom. Now, just in case you think this is okay, let me assure you, it’s not. They have guards walking around to make sure people don’t disturb the statues, plants and vegetables. I also think it’s important to mention that the window we’re looking through is a HUGE floor to ceiling window that’s tinted so we can see out, but they can’t see in. Okay, back to the story…

So this mom and her son are walking when a guard starts coming towards them…this is when we all took seats to watch the confrontation. The guard was casually walking towards them saying something, and they picked up their pace and headed towards a corner of the garden that connects with a fence outside. When they reappeared, they were gourd-less. The guard finally reached them, we almost starting cheering until we surmised the guard was simply letting people know it was time for the building to close. Confused at how easily the gourd thieves gave up they bounty we continued to watch, finally realizing they had put the gourds on the other side of the fence and were going to pick them up on their way out.

We booked it outside to see if our theory was correct and there sitting outside the fence were two gourds. We turned around the saw the gourd thieves walking towards the parking lot, car keys in hand. We all looked at each other thinking, “what should we do?” We didn’t want to leave the gourds there and let them get away with stealing, neither did we have time to find a guard. So, in a quick decision I ran towards the gourds, picked them up and ducked around a corner of the fence, fairly out of sight of traffic leaving the building. Nate stood by keeping a look out for the thieves, while Val and Kristen headed back towards the car. It felt like a movie…wish it could have been captured on film. I carefully placed a gourd on the other side of the fence and then using that one-hand then the other method I walked it down to the ground and shoved it out of reach. I was just walking the second gourd down when I hear a whistling noise. Assuming it was Nathan’s way of warning me to get out of there, I quickened my pace. Satisfied both gourds were out of reach, I ran back towards Nathan. I made it to him as the thieves were driving up in their truck. We casually walked back towards our car until we got around the concrete fence, then ran to the car, got in as quickly at possible, and exited the grounds.

Hearts pounding we all exchanged looks of, “did that really just happen?” Then we all started laughing, wishing we had gotten video, or at least photos, yet very glad to be away from the gourd thieves!!

Missing Kenya

I had to opportunity to hang out with an old friend the other night and he asked me about my trip to Kenya. It'd been a few months since someone had asked me to share my experiences and stories. My heart started to pound and I could hardly sit still as stories poured out about the people I still dearly love.

I had forgotten how much I love Kenya. I had forgotten how passionate I am about orphans and street kids, especially the girls. Not really forgotten...I think about Kenya everyday. I suppose it's more that I've become accustomed to pushing past those feelings so I can be fully present in Texas.

My heart is heavy tonight as I reflect on memories, picture faces, and relive adventures. Why am I still in America? I ask myself that question every day and still have only the certainty that for this period, I need to be here. I don't know why. I don't know how long it will last. But I do know that I hope it goes by quickly.

Opportunities

Last week and this current week have already been full of opportunities to share God's love and His story.

Last week, during cabin devotions all of the counselors shared their testimonies with the campers on separate nights. One of the nights (actually, my last night in the cabin due to my illness) I was spontaneously asked to share my testimony. That was an experience! It was just a random night and I had no idea it was coming. All I know is I heard the head counselor say my name, then saw several hands raised around the room. I looked at the translator who had graciously come in so I could hear everyone's story and understand what was happening...she looked at me and smiled, then proceeded to tell me that a vote had just been taken on whether or not the girls wanted to hear my story.

I was overwhelmed! The girls wanted to hear my story! Then a terrible realization hit me: I had no voice. See, I had a terrible, deep chest cough last week and had ruined my voice that day. I panicked for a second trying to figure out what to do, then realized the only thing I could do was pray. So I did, "Lord, if You want me to share my story then I need my voice. Can I have it back for just this time?" I coughed a few times and tried to speak...nothing. So said another quick prayer and tried again...nothing. I smiled at the group as a way of apologizing then started coughing again and suddenly I could speak. Such a miracle!!

After sharing my story I randomly asked if the girls had any questions...almost every hand in the room went up. I laughed because asking for questions was just a random thought, but one that, as a friend would was was "straight from the Lord". After answering dozens of questions about my life story it was well past curfew, 2 hours past in fact, but the time was so worth it. When we got ready for bed, my voice was once again gone. God simply allowed me to speak for that short time and I'm so thankful.

This is a new week, with new campers and already I've had the opportunity to share piece of my story. I always wear a toe ring that says "love never fails". It's been on my toe for five years now and many conversations about love have sparked from people noticing it. Today was no different. I was sitting outside, reading my Bible when two girls from my cabin came up and sat next to me. Almost immediately, one of them looked at my toe, read it then asked, "why do you wear that?" We got into a great conversation about God's unconditional love which was difficult for her to understand because her parent's are divorced, so in her mind, love fails often. She'd never imagined what unconditional love was, it was such a blessing to be able to have that conversation!