Did I mean to say that??

This past week my sister and I were talking about the meaning of words and why we say certain things. It was an interesting conversation because I'd never given much thought to why I say certain things. Often times, words just come tumbling out of my mouth without me ever really thinking about what I'm trying to say.

For example, if something great happens in life, one of my phrases is "Praise the Lord!" But what do I really mean when I say that? Another common phrase I use, "bless the hands that prepared this food". But again, what am I actually trying to communicate? It's been an interesting thought process for me this week. I catch myself using all kinds of key "Christian" phrases throughout my daily life. Is that a bad thing? Not in theory, but if I'm not thinking about what I'm saying then yes, I do think it's a bad thing.

I don't want to say things because I know it's the right thing to say, or the accepted thing to say. I want to be specific and direct, I want to process why I say certain things and think about what I really mean instead.

A "Clean" Perspective

You know those car commercials for some insurance company that say "life comes at you fast"? That's how I felt this weekend because it was CRAZY!! Random side note: I catered an event for the President of Mexico on Saturday night. Yep, how cool is that?!? I met him, served him dinner, and spoke the very little Spanish I knew...CRAZY!!

Okay, onto the point of this blog: So sometimes when my life feels like it's out of control it unfolds in a way that stresses me out. That happens because I let things build up inside of me. Rather than making time to sort through my thoughts and emotions, when "life comes at me fast" I just stuff thoughts and feelings away and keep running. Eventually, I explode. Thankfully that didn't happen this weekend, but I came close.

Sunday I cleaned my apartment, it was in a very sorry state. One of the things I discovered about myself in college is that my living area gets messy when life feels messy or out of control. I can only stand the mess for so long, then it has to get cleaned. So, I cleaned my apartment, and as is tradition now, while cleaning, I sorted through why life felt out of control. It's such a good, deep cleanse of my thoughts and emotions. Because as I'm on my hands and knees scrubbing that mark off my floor, I'm also talking to God and letting Him scrub away the stain I've ignored in my life. As God and I talked and worked through things, I often found myself taking a short break to write thoughts down. Very quickly, however, I would get back to work, knowing there was still more to do. I took my time cleaning. I was in no hurry and I knew I needed to process what was going on. There were some "not-so-fun" times when God revealed some "gunk" in my life and I just cringed. Wondering why I hadn't seen that before, a little ashamed of my neglect.

The cleaner my apartment became, the less complicated and messy life seemed. Amazing the change that occurred when I took the time to work through the "gunk" rather than continually walk around it. As I got ready to go to my parent's home I took one last look around my apartment, to see if I missed anything. While at the same time, taking another look inside myself to make sure nothing else needed to be addressed. As I glanced around an amazing peace just settled in me and I was so thankful for the new perspective.

Sometimes, it just takes time to work through the gunk in life. Though at times the cleaning process can be time consuming and painful, it's always worth it in the end.

Beauty from Ashes

Yesterday I had a "blah" day. It was one of those days when I just didn't feel like myself and was just a little down hearted. The weirdest part of the entire experience was that I didn't have a bad day, it was actually a very productive day. I set a goal for what I wanted to accomplish and I got it all done and organized. But my joy was gone. For awhile I wanted to blame it on the weather. Dallas has now had 3 days of cloudy, misty, dreary days and I alway drag a little more when there's no sunshine. But it wasn't the weather's fault. Despite how easy that answer would have been, I knew better.

I got home, still in my gloomy mood and just didn't feel like doing anything. I tried working out, but lacked the motivation. I tried reading, but couldn't concentrate. I tried going on a walk, but it started raining and I had left my rain jacket at home. Nothing seemed to be going the way I wanted it to. So, what did I resort to? The TV. I mindlessly watched TV for 2 hours last night and though that distracted me, it didn't solve the problem.

Finally I sat down to write an email to a friend and just talk through what was going on. I felt a little better after admitting my struggles. Then I just stared at my computer screen and talked with God for awhile. Randomly, I felt the need to look through my inbox. Thinking "this is pointless" I followed the impulse and came across a YouTube link from a friend. It was a video of Louie Giglio talking about Laminin and it was a powerful message. During his talk the weight I'd been carrying around all day started to lift. As I listened to Louie describe Laminin, and how it's the molecule in our body that holds everything together I was intrigued. Then I saw a picture of Laminin:

In case it's not painfully obvious, Laminin, this molecule that holds us together is in the unmistakable shape of a cross.
The colorful image is the molecular structure of Laminin.
The black and white photos are actual pictures of the Laminin molecule.

It was a message I need to hear. I was feeling down because I'd taken my eyes off the cross. And just like Laminin, the cross is what holds me together, it's what keeps me going, it's the only thing that can turn my "blah" days into days of joy and thanksgiving. God's blessings continued to pour down that night as I strummed my guitar and sang praises to God.

I went to bed with a heart that was light as a feather because I cast my burdens at the foot of the cross. The weight was lifted because I once again came to the point of saying "I need you Lord". And I do, with every ounce of my being, I need Him to hold me together.

Awhile ago, I wrote a blog about Isaiah 61:1-2 which says, "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn," Today, I re-read those verses and continued on to Isaiah 61:3, "and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." God is good!! I'm so thankful He puts up with me and continues to love me, despite my imperfections.