Performing

"You are the ones who justify yourselves in the eyes of men, but God knows your hearts. What is highly valued among men is detestable in God's sight." Luke 16:15

In the passage above God is talking to the Pharisees about how they can't love money and God. He just told the parable of the shrewd manager and the Pharisees snickered because they thought they were capable of both- or at the very least they could put on a good show.

I was listening to a lesson on my iPod yesterday and the speaker said something that got me thinking: "If I perform for God, He'll watch me. Buy if I call out to God, He'll answer." For me performing for God is comfortable, it's something I've done off and on my whole life. When I was in college, for example, I was involved in EVERYTHING. I led a college small group, I led a small group for junior high girls, I was in a Bible study, I was on the student ministries leadership team, I helped plan and execute youth events, I taught Sunday school, I volunteered at the children's shelter...to name a few. And I did it all while having a part time job and being a full-time student. In each of those activities, if I could lead it, all the better. Why did I do it? Because I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to make a difference; to impact people's lives, so I got involved. It's not that my motives were awful, there's nothing wrong with wanting to impact people's lives for Jesus, or that my heart wasn't in the right place. The problem was that I was performing.

Now, granted, I learned alot through all those experiences that I value. I can juggle several activities and events at the same time without stressing out, I learned how to manage my time wisely, I read my Bible more during those years than I ever had before. However, I also learned thing from those experiences I wish I hadn't, mainly, I learned how to be a talented performer. I say the right things, have the correct body gestures, smile at the right times, give comfort when needed, etc. Again, none of that's bad and God has used my performance for His glory, but He wants more from me...He deserves more from me.
I'm tired of performing. I want to call out to God; I want to seek first His kingdom; I want the outpouring of His spirit in my life...I want more. I guess this is kind of my way of drawing a line in the sand, of saying I'm going to be different when I get back to Dallas and I wanted you each to know because you're each part of this journey. That's what the body of Christ is about.

So there's my newest lesson from the Lord...always a learner.

Traveling Adventures, Dependence on God, and Art Projects

What does it look like? That’s a question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately. When I think about my life and how I live, I wonder what it looks like to other people. If the turmoil I sometimes feel comes through, or if I wear the “happy Christian” mask all the time. So, let me take this opportunity to be open and vulnerable…

This week has been an amazing time of fellowship with our group. We decided to put James aside for awhile and just come together, share what God has been teaching us, encourage and uplift one another, etc. We have no agenda for these times. We open in prayer and then often times sit in silence for several minutes…just waiting for someone to start the discussion. I don’t mind sitting in silence, but often times this silence is awkward. What makes the silence so awkward at times is because we normally transition from a time of laughter and jokes where everyone has something to say to prayer and then silence as we all prepare ourselves to once again become open and vulnerable with each other. It’s such an interesting transition.

Our group time in the morning is so unique because it’s unplanned. It’s taken me a week to get used to the unknown of our mornings, but what comes out of them is so encouraging and my heart feels overjoyed. This morning we opened with a song by Downhere called Great are You. The words to the chorus say, “Because I’ll never hold a picture of the whole horizon in my view. Because I’ll never rip the night in two, it makes me wonder: Who am I? What am I? Who am I and Great are You!!” The part about the horizon made me think about an adventure I had yesterday…

I accompanied Meredith and our social worker Ann to do two assessments on families yesterday to see if they fit our program. The first assessment was in a town called Kiminini. We walked what felt like a couple of miles to get to the home, because it was more in the village part of the town, and met with the grandmother and the children she had taken into her home, most of them aren’t related to her in any way, just abandoned children that she chose to love. The children were beautiful. Even in their tattered and torn clothing they had a joy about them and smiles that could brighten the room. Once we finished the assessment, we headed back into the town and then off to our second family…

We had never been out to this village before and had heard about the family through a friend of our social worker. The man who informed us about the family met us at a town called Burundi and led us to the home. To get to the village we had to travel across this large expanse of land (to me it felt like I was traveling across the country). It took us 1 ½ hours on boda bodas (bicycle taxis) with lots of walking uphill inbetween riding on the bikes. However, the beauty of the horizon surrounding me took my breath away. All around me were rolling hills that were a rich green because of the rain we’ve recently had, Mt Elgon felt close enough to touch, the hills were sprinkled with the tin roofs of many homes that glistened in the sun, the sky was a brilliant blue with clouds that were crisp and white…and I was sitting on the back of a boda boda arms spread out as I “flew” downhills and across the beautiful countryside of Kenya. I felt so small at that moment, yet so unbelievably special. All I could do was praise God. My boda driver just laughed at me whenever I would sing pieces of songs that came to mind or when I would just laugh for no apparent reason. The countryside and the beauty I saw in it made my heart so grateful that I serve the God who created all of it.

Once we finally made it to the home we met the family, did our assessment then began our travel back. On the walk back to the main road we walked by a school and a hundred of kids poured out of their classrooms when they saw Meredith and I because they had NEVER seen a mzungu (ma-zoon-goo: white person) before (that should give you an idea of how far into the country this home was). Meredith and I shook so many kids hands. They touched my face and my hair and we just thrilled to have the opportunity to interact with a mzungu, I felt kind of like a celebrity. I kissed on little girl on the forehead and all the kids irrupted with excited/dismayed “oh’s”.

When Meredith and I finally made it back home with sunburnt arms and faces we both crashed from the long, yet incredibly fulfilling day. I went out to our gazebo area to read for a little bit and started talking with one of our interns, Ina. We were talking about our days and somehow got off on the topic of independence. I had never realized how independent I had become until I got here. Daniel pointed it out to me within the first 2 weeks but it didn’t sink in until recently. Somewhere between my last trip to Kenya and this one I became less and less dependent on God and more dependent on my own abilities and myself. Having such love and wisdom in both my immediate and church family caused me to not lean on people rather than the Lord. I didn’t realize how much I ignored my need to depend on God until Ina pointed out that she has to depend on God because she has no one else; no family members who share her beliefs and no close friends because she’s followed God’s leading moved so much. She pointed out that the rest of us grew up in Christian families and therefore, were provided with other things on which we could lean. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with leaning on people, God created us to be in relationship with one another. But I do think it’s wrong to go to people before going to God and I’ve been guilty of that multiple times in my life.

I had a plan coming to Kenya, a plan I didn’t verbally acknowledge but one that I let my heart believe in. I’ve come to the point where I feel like I’ve finally let go of that plan and can once again fully trust and depend on God’s best for me. Amazing how it took 6 weeks of being here to once again get me to that place in life, but I’m so thankful. I’ve learned the lesson that God’s ways are far better than mine multiple times in my life…well, I guess since I have to continually be taught the lesson again I haven’t actually “learned” it yet, but I’m working on it. When I release my dreams and desires to God, He comes through in ways far better than I could ask or imagine. So, here I am, an open book, waiting to see what story God wants to write.

I’m starting a craft project with some teenage girls in the coming weeks. A lady from the Canadian team that was here always buys some African looking cards and bookmarks from a shop in Kitale when she comes. The cards are unbelievably simple and can be re-created by local girls. I’m going to teach the girls how to makes the cards, Sandy (the woman in Canada) will buy the cards from the girls. The money from each card can go to funding the expenses of a trade school for the girls, thus keeping them off the streets and providing them with a life they can be proud of. In turn, Sandy gets the cards at a cheaper price and can sell them in Canada to help fund future projects she takes part in when she comes to Kenya. I’m a little nervous about the project because I’m not an art teacher. There are moments when I can be creative, but usually only when I’m inspired. However, I think this is something God wants and thus He’ll work through my weaknesses. Plus, I get to invest in the lives of a few teenage girls here, that thought alone brings a smile to my face and joy to my heart. We’ll see what God does with it.

That’s me, incredibly imperfect but wonderfully loved.

Finding My Way

This morning I woke up ridiculously early and decided to go watch the sunrise. It's was such a sweet time with the Lord. The sunrise was gorgeous. It was a cloudy morning, but right where the sun was coming up was a thin break in the clouds. So because the light rays could only break through that small opening, as the sun rose it created this beautiful orange/pink color in a complete circle all around the sky. Then as the sun continued to rise, the orange/pink color faded, but right where the sun was coming up began to glow more and became more radiant. To me that just spoke of God's love for me...it was one of those moments where I felt like the sunrise was a special moment between me and God, like He created it for me and if I focused on God I'll be able to radiate with His love. That might have been alot to get out of a sunrise, but it's true.

God revealed alot to me this morning but the main lesson was the fact that I can find freedom in Him. I had put pressure on myself when I first got here (Kenya) to be something I couldn't because I allowed myself to be trapped by the lies of Satan. But as I read my Bible this morning the word freedom just kept sticking out to me and I found confidence in the fact that not only can I find freedom in being who He created me to be, but that's what I should do. Why had I not remembered that before now? I don't know. But I realized that I don't have to change who I am because I'm in Kenya. If I want to say "hi" to people as I walk down the street, I'm should. If I want to call a cashier by his/her name as I'm being checked out at a store I should. I restricted myself to who I thought I should be in Kenya rather than who God created me to be.

I feel like when I got here, I was stripped of everything I held onto and found completeness in...everything except my relationship with Christ. The kids didn't run to me like they did in Dallas, I didn't have any tasks that I needed to take charge of and lead, I was just as new as everyone else so being hospitible was difficult... I never realized how much confidence I found in those things...I never realized how much I leaned on those things to find my self worth.

So, I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm strenghtening my relationship with God, building my friendship with Meredith, investing time in our interns and loving people. There were moments today when my heart is so full that I think I could have exploded with joy. Finding joy... no choosing decisely to be joyful through all circumstances is what I want.

I don't have to "find my way". God already laid it out for me, I just have to be sensitive to His leading and obey His commands.

My Contact Info

The countdown is 3 days, 17 hours and 3 minutes before my plane leaves Dallas, TX on it's way to London for a short 2 hours layover, then on to Nairobi.

My family isn't quite as excited about my approaching departure as I am, but they're getting there.

God has been so faithful throughout the process of my preparation. He continual reminds me that He's in control and I just need to commit my way to Him and He'll direct my path.

Just in case anyone wants to know how to reach me while I'm in Kenya here's the info:

Email: RaikesL@gmail.com

Address: Transformed International
Attn: Lauren Raikes
P.O. Box 815
Kitale, Kenya

I also have a facebook account and a myspace page, just search for Lauren Raikes on either.

One More Typhoid Pill...

My official countdown of time left in the States is 33 days. Just over 4 weeks before I'll be stepping onto an airplane and impatiently waiting the 19.5 hours until I get to set foot in Kenya once again. I'm so excited I can hardly wait!!

As I look at my calendar for August I'm realizing just how quickly that time will fly by. In between now and September 8th I have a girls retreat, church-wide family water park day, family vacation to Indiana and a wedding to attend. That doesn't leave me much time, which causes me to look at my list of "things to do" and wonder how it's all going to get done. But I'm crossing things off one after another (it's a great feeling).

One of the things I'm most excited about crossing off my list is immunization shots. One of the things anyone traveling to a third world country should do is get their immunization shots. Last year, I overlooked this very important detail in my trip to Kenya (I was uninformed of the importance). This year however, I'm prepared. 8 shots, 3 typhoid pills, and two very sore arms later and I'm almost set, just one more typhoid pill and I'll officially be immunized and get to cross that off my list of "things to do". Then I won't have to be a pin cushion for at least another 5 years!!

Working Through Faith and Trust

This week my church suffered a great loss. Brian Geiger was an intricate part of Redeemer. He was not only a husband, father, son and friend but he was also a shining example of faith and grace. Brian was diagnosed with a brain tumor and had been seeking treatment. His battle was one my church family was deeply involved in. Several weeks ago he took a turn for the worst and had to undergo emergency brain surgery to remove the tumor. This surgery not only brought hope to his family, but also to the many who had spent countless hours in prayer. The doctors were hopeful he would recover. Wednesday night Brian got to see our Lord and Savior face to face. He was ushered into glory surrounded by his closely knit family who were reciting Psalm 23 and singing the doxology. To his last breath Brian was polite and gracious. If you asked him how he was (a question he undoubtedly was asked a hundred times a day) he was graciously tell you exactly how he was doing, always with a smile on his face and a trust in God that was remarkable.

My heart goes through a battle at times like this. I want to rejoice that Brian is no longer suffering. I want to be jealous that he's in heaven while I'm still stuck here on earth. However, in my human frailty I question God's plan, "are you sure you know what you're doing Lord?" because it doesn't make sense to me. I wanted a miracle.

While I'm still processing through this loss, I read an article about the rise of teenage prostitution in Kenya:

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jULzMcr9yht2kOPb_EEQt56B6f3wD928U1MG0

To read a child's account of her life as a prostitute because it's the only way to feed her parents and siblings...it's almost too much for me to take in. It makes me angry and it makes my heart hurt. Once again I find myself questioning God's plan. To me, my way makes more sense; it seems better. And I'm caught in the lie of thinking my way of doing things would bring God more glory. But it won't.

In times like this I find myself searching for the reassurance that My God is a great big God who is in control. I leave you with sections of Psalms 37 that spoke to my heart and gave me the reassurance I was seeking:

Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;
for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.

The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.

If the LORD delights in a man's way,
he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.

The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.

The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.

A Foolish Thought

On Wednesday morning at 10:45am, I headed to the office of Dr Crossin to get my wisdom teeth extracted. This simple surgery that normally lasts 20-30 minutes took 2 hours to complete because God decided to make my wisdom teeth very difficult to remove (the fact that I'm 24 just now having them extracted didn't help matters). As I was gently guided to the car by wonderful brother people's comments of, "you'll be better a couple of days" played through my head.

So I parked myself in a recliner at my parent's house and didn't move for 2 days (except to use the bathroom). Some of you may think I'm joking, but I'm not. I quite literally stayed put in that recliner for 2 days while my family (namely my mother) played nurse, I'm spoiled, I know.

It's early Sunday morning and I've progressed from the recliner to the couch =). Those hopeful remarks of, "you'll feel better after 48 hours" have faded as I cross off one more night of sleeping with my head at a 45 degree angle above my heart.

Okay, onto the story. See, my mom had been the one who kept me on track on when to take the pain medication and when to take the antibiotics, including in the middle of the night (I have an INCREDIBLE mom). However, since I had progressed to the couch, I also thought this meant I could wake myself up for my medication. A couple of things you need to know about me for this to be important

1. I don't really like medicine all that much, in fact, if I can avoid taking medicine, I will.
   
2. I think I have this inner need to be independent and often a "I can do it on my own" mentality.
   
3. God likes to remind me that I can't do it all on my own and need others...hopefully the lesson will stick this time.

After deciding my mom should sleep through the night, I got comfortable on the couch (head at a 45 degree angle), set my alarm and went to sleep. However, when my alarm went off this morning indicating the time to take my pain medication I thought, "I'm not in pain yet, I bet I can go another couple of hours." I know, I'm a foolish girl!! As I'm sure you're already guessing, I woke up in pain. In fact, I didn't know my jaw was capable of causing such severe pain.

Here's what I learned:

• I make a very bad patient/nurse combination
• I'm VERY thankful for my family's care, especially my mom's
• Though my body would eventually heal itself without the pain medication, the meds help the process be much more enjoyable
• I can't do it on my own and I need others help.

My alarm's set again for my next dose of pain meds, I don't think I'll be skipping out =)

It's been too long

Well once again I've been living life rather than blogging about it. Here's what's been happening:

At the end of June I led a mission's trip with several youth girls to the West Dallas Community. We spent a week loving on children in this community and leading a 5 day club in the evenings.

The weekend of July 4th my family headed up to Tulsa, OK to visit my twin sister and her hubby. The weekend was full of fun events: a musical production of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, a frisbee golf tournament, fireworks show and a float trip. My family enjoyed the weekend, unfortunately, I only made it through the musical then got sick =(. Oh well, at least I was with family.

I got back from fourth of July and hit the ground running putting the last minute preparations in place for VBS. I had the privilege of directing Outrigger Island this past week and I got to see God's love in action. As adults and teens gave of themselves day after day. Whether they baked cookies, helped decorate the church, led a Bible study, helped with registration, etc. they showed God's love to children and did it willingly.

After VBS my family took a brief trip down to Galveston, TX to eat at our favorite restaurant: Gaidos, play on the beach, celebrate my parent's 31st wedding anniversary and celebrate Cyril (our French exchange students) 18th birthday. We spent 24 hours on the island, all got a sunburn, had a blast and my brother and I saw a shark while we were swimming in the ocean (SCARY).

So, that's been my life. Now, what have I learned from all this? i found this quote the other day and really thought it summarized my thoughts:

"What most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things
instead of using people and loving things." ~Unknown

One of the things I want to do with my life is to live a life of love. I don't know about you, but I know I've been used before so people could love "things" and it doesn't feel good. In fact I still carry wounds from the past. However, recently my life has been filled with people loving on people and not caring about things, or what they get in return. It's so refreshing. I witnessed youth serve in West Dallas and do it because they truly love that community and want to serve. I've spent quality time with my family and I always leave feeling the unconditional love present there.

I know it's a simple lesson, but it's one I love to be reminded of.

What Happened to Knights in Shining Armor??

So, I'm walking out the door of my apartment to head to work. My hands are full because I'm carrying a water bottle, my keys and a trash bag. I'm backing out the door, when this little girl runs behind me screaming. I thought, "where is this child's parent?". I turn around from locking my door and that's when I see it. The reason the child was screaming was because a snake was slithering down the hallway. Now, I'm not a fan of snakes, there's something about them that just creeps me out, but I'm not terrified of them either. I expected the little girl to keep running and the snake to make it's way through my hall. So I was getting ready to head back inside and call the apartment offices to alert them a snake was crawling around. However, rather than continuing to run away, the little girl suddenly stopped, blocking the only open path the snake had and just stood there, frozen and starting to cry. I'm on the opposite side of the snake and there are walls all around it, so the snake feels trapped. That's when the situation got worse...

The snake coiled up and that's when it's tail started to rattle. I didn't even know rattle snakes lived around my apartment!! So now, I'm in a bit of a predicament because I have nothing to pin the snake down with, only my trash bag. I quickly formulated the plan that if I threw my trash bag between the snake and the girl, maybe the little girls would run away and the snake would turn the opposite direction. So, I get as close as I dare to the snake and pray my plan works. Rather than the trash bag landing between the snake and the girl, it landed on the snake, only it's head was sticking out. I figured the trash bag was heavy enough to keep the snake stuck for a couple of minutes. So I grabbed the little girl, took her inside my apartment, and called the offices. A minute or so later, two guys showed up with all the tools needed to catch a snake. "Praise the Lord!! This is finally going to be over" was my thought. I left the girl in my apartment with some crayons and walked into the hallway to watch them catch the snake.

However, the guys who were sent to save the day were terrified of snakes. Trapping a snake doesn't get much easier than what was in front of them, but they were freaking out. All the while, the snake was wiggling it's way free. So I grabbed the tools, pinned the snake's head and picked it up with the snake clamp the guys had brought. Turned towards them and asked what they did now. They looked at me like I was crazy, and one of them looked ready to faint. "We don't know what to do, we could just let it go". That idea didn't fly with me. If this rattle snake was gutsy enough to slither into the apartment complex, I didn't like the idea of just "letting him go". So we decided he needed to die. I made the guys show me where they kept the gardening equipment and we pulled out a hoe. It took some convincing to talk one of the guys into chopping off the head. They wanted me to do it, but I couldn't hold the snake and chop it's head off at the same time. My selling line was "Either you kill the snake while I'm holding it, or I'm going to make you hold it", they quickly grabbed the hoe after that.

I threw the snake's head and body into the creek that runs behind my apartment and informed the guys that since they had now witnessed how to trap a snake they were on their own when the next one showed up. I picked up my trash bag, jumped in my car and headed for work. Quite the fun way to start your morning huh?? And I thought my life wouldn't be adventurous until I got to Kenya =)!!

The more I pondered the situation, the more I thought, "Why did I have to do that, I'm the GIRL!!" What happened to rescuing the damsel in distress?? Or participating in the adventure of capturing a snake?? What did the girl have to step up?? It's a picture of the world today, and the church isn't it? Women having to step up because men either don't want to or don't care? I enjoy being the girl. I would have much rather told the guys how much I appreciated them stepping up to the challenge of capturing the snake, rather than doing it myself. I miss knights in shining armor! I know they still exist and I'm so appreciative of the ones I know, they make me feel like a princess and what girl doesn't want to feel like a princess? I just wish there were more of them.

Did I mean to say that??

This past week my sister and I were talking about the meaning of words and why we say certain things. It was an interesting conversation because I'd never given much thought to why I say certain things. Often times, words just come tumbling out of my mouth without me ever really thinking about what I'm trying to say.

For example, if something great happens in life, one of my phrases is "Praise the Lord!" But what do I really mean when I say that? Another common phrase I use, "bless the hands that prepared this food". But again, what am I actually trying to communicate? It's been an interesting thought process for me this week. I catch myself using all kinds of key "Christian" phrases throughout my daily life. Is that a bad thing? Not in theory, but if I'm not thinking about what I'm saying then yes, I do think it's a bad thing.

I don't want to say things because I know it's the right thing to say, or the accepted thing to say. I want to be specific and direct, I want to process why I say certain things and think about what I really mean instead.

A "Clean" Perspective

You know those car commercials for some insurance company that say "life comes at you fast"? That's how I felt this weekend because it was CRAZY!! Random side note: I catered an event for the President of Mexico on Saturday night. Yep, how cool is that?!? I met him, served him dinner, and spoke the very little Spanish I knew...CRAZY!!

Okay, onto the point of this blog: So sometimes when my life feels like it's out of control it unfolds in a way that stresses me out. That happens because I let things build up inside of me. Rather than making time to sort through my thoughts and emotions, when "life comes at me fast" I just stuff thoughts and feelings away and keep running. Eventually, I explode. Thankfully that didn't happen this weekend, but I came close.

Sunday I cleaned my apartment, it was in a very sorry state. One of the things I discovered about myself in college is that my living area gets messy when life feels messy or out of control. I can only stand the mess for so long, then it has to get cleaned. So, I cleaned my apartment, and as is tradition now, while cleaning, I sorted through why life felt out of control. It's such a good, deep cleanse of my thoughts and emotions. Because as I'm on my hands and knees scrubbing that mark off my floor, I'm also talking to God and letting Him scrub away the stain I've ignored in my life. As God and I talked and worked through things, I often found myself taking a short break to write thoughts down. Very quickly, however, I would get back to work, knowing there was still more to do. I took my time cleaning. I was in no hurry and I knew I needed to process what was going on. There were some "not-so-fun" times when God revealed some "gunk" in my life and I just cringed. Wondering why I hadn't seen that before, a little ashamed of my neglect.

The cleaner my apartment became, the less complicated and messy life seemed. Amazing the change that occurred when I took the time to work through the "gunk" rather than continually walk around it. As I got ready to go to my parent's home I took one last look around my apartment, to see if I missed anything. While at the same time, taking another look inside myself to make sure nothing else needed to be addressed. As I glanced around an amazing peace just settled in me and I was so thankful for the new perspective.

Sometimes, it just takes time to work through the gunk in life. Though at times the cleaning process can be time consuming and painful, it's always worth it in the end.

Beauty from Ashes

Yesterday I had a "blah" day. It was one of those days when I just didn't feel like myself and was just a little down hearted. The weirdest part of the entire experience was that I didn't have a bad day, it was actually a very productive day. I set a goal for what I wanted to accomplish and I got it all done and organized. But my joy was gone. For awhile I wanted to blame it on the weather. Dallas has now had 3 days of cloudy, misty, dreary days and I alway drag a little more when there's no sunshine. But it wasn't the weather's fault. Despite how easy that answer would have been, I knew better.

I got home, still in my gloomy mood and just didn't feel like doing anything. I tried working out, but lacked the motivation. I tried reading, but couldn't concentrate. I tried going on a walk, but it started raining and I had left my rain jacket at home. Nothing seemed to be going the way I wanted it to. So, what did I resort to? The TV. I mindlessly watched TV for 2 hours last night and though that distracted me, it didn't solve the problem.

Finally I sat down to write an email to a friend and just talk through what was going on. I felt a little better after admitting my struggles. Then I just stared at my computer screen and talked with God for awhile. Randomly, I felt the need to look through my inbox. Thinking "this is pointless" I followed the impulse and came across a YouTube link from a friend. It was a video of Louie Giglio talking about Laminin and it was a powerful message. During his talk the weight I'd been carrying around all day started to lift. As I listened to Louie describe Laminin, and how it's the molecule in our body that holds everything together I was intrigued. Then I saw a picture of Laminin:

In case it's not painfully obvious, Laminin, this molecule that holds us together is in the unmistakable shape of a cross.
The colorful image is the molecular structure of Laminin.
The black and white photos are actual pictures of the Laminin molecule.

It was a message I need to hear. I was feeling down because I'd taken my eyes off the cross. And just like Laminin, the cross is what holds me together, it's what keeps me going, it's the only thing that can turn my "blah" days into days of joy and thanksgiving. God's blessings continued to pour down that night as I strummed my guitar and sang praises to God.

I went to bed with a heart that was light as a feather because I cast my burdens at the foot of the cross. The weight was lifted because I once again came to the point of saying "I need you Lord". And I do, with every ounce of my being, I need Him to hold me together.

Awhile ago, I wrote a blog about Isaiah 61:1-2 which says, "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn," Today, I re-read those verses and continued on to Isaiah 61:3, "and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." God is good!! I'm so thankful He puts up with me and continues to love me, despite my imperfections.

Where I've been and what's been going on...

The past two months have been some of the most incredible, crazy, amazing months of my life. I've continued to learn so much about faith and trust in God as well been unbelievably blessed and amazed by His timing.

Right now I'm in the middle of planning the summer for my kids at Redeemer. Between leading a group of teens to work with kids in the West Dallas community, directing a VBS-Outrigger Island, and a heading up a week of camp I've got my hands full. Add to that the culture study my sister and I are doing with my kids on Sunday mornings and well....I'm just busy. But I'm excited about the challenge. This summer is going to fly by!!

After the summer ends another adventure in my life begins...one that I hope will turn into a lifetime. We'll see what God has planned. I'm continually learning to trust in His timing and plan for my life. So far, I haven't been disappointed =).

In more recent news, this past weekend I was part of a wedding for a home school friend. Friday night, in place of a rehearsal dinner the couple threw a barn dance. Here are a couple of pics from the night.

Well, that's the quick update. I'll try to be more consistent with my blogging habits in the future!

incredibly imperfect, but wonderfully loved...

I realized it's been 3 1/2 weeks since my last blog, which isn't terrible, but isn't good either. So, here's an update on my life:

March has been a CRAZY...AMAZING month!! Lots has happened in my life and God has been teaching me about trusting in His perfect timing.

I had a friend from Kenya come to visit me and my family during the first week of March. 11 days after he left, I went up to Reno, NV to visit him and meet his family. Without divulging lots of details, let's just say I'm excited to see how God continues to work in our lives. He's been in control the whole time and it's exciting to let Him continue to guide us.

I got back from Reno Friday night at 9:00pm. Then, on Saturday I had a huge Easter event planned at my parent's house. The event was a success because my family is INCREDIBLE and just somehow knows what to do without me telling them step by step instructions. They're such a blessing. While the older kids were hiding the Easter eggs, I told the Easter story to the youngsters and several parents, many of which had never heard the Gospel before. During the egg hunt, a few kids and adults came up to me with questions about what I had said. THEY WANTED TO KNOW MORE!! Does it get more exciting than that?!?

Yes is does...to top it off, I ordered an inflatable for the kids to play on that day (which was a huge success). I went over and was talking to the guys who delivered it and set it up for me. They wanted to know what was going on. I told them it was an Easter celebration. They said they didn't see many eggs =), so I got to explain that for my family and several families present, Easter is more than eggs filled with candy and a bunny, it's about the resurrection of Jesus, and that's why we celebrate it. The next day, I received an email from one the guys telling me that my family made an impact on him and he saw that Christ can be a part of normal day to day life. He said he's been burned by Christians in the past, but was thinking about re-newing his relationship with Christ. Is God good or what?!?!

The trusting in God's perfect timing comes into play in several areas of my life. One of which was the fact that I didn't want to leave Reno. Honestly (and selfishly) when I got up Saturday morning to get my parent's house ready for the event I was feeling a little sorry for myself. But God had a bigger and better plan. Why oh why do I forget that so often? I seem to have to learn this lesson over and over again. I think I know what's best for me. But thankfully, before getting frustrated with me God always extends His hand of mercy to remind me that He knows me better than I know myself. Sometimes I wonder why He puts up with me. =)

Well, that's me...incredibly imperfect, but wonderfully loved me. Have a blessed day!

Why??

I was laying in bed tonight desperately trying to fall asleep but an advertisement I saw today just kept creeping into my head and try as I might, I couldn't sleep. As I was checking my facebook account and saw a new advertisement. Normally I see those "single" advertisements, you know the ones that say "find your true love now" or "have 5 guys compete for your attention". Today as I looked at the advertisement expecting to see something reminding me that my facebook status is single, I instead see "tired of being a fat cow?" Oh yes, that's what it said and it made me angry. What's worse, it made me question myself, the poisonous thought took it's toll. Seeds of concern and doubt were planted. And now I'm here asking questions.

Who says something like that? Why would someone advertise something so hurtful? Why does the world seem so bent on making women feel fat? Why do I so easily believe it? Why is it so hard to believe that I am beautiful?

So now, rather being in a peaceful slumber, I'm sitting here, staring at my computer screen asking questions for which I have no answer. I'm all wrapped up in my favorite blanket which brings with it a much needed sense of safety, comfort and warmth.

I'm listening to the rain fall outside knowing there has to be some analogy there, but failing to grasp hold of it. Despite how upsetting the advertisement was and the questions it caused me to ask of myself, there's something about being still and quiet, just listening to the rain. Something about how rain brings new life and washes things clean. I know there's something there for me to discover, some new lesson about myself that I need to be made aware of, but it's just out of my reach.

I'm not looking for compliments or boosts for my self esteem, I learned awhile ago that God is the only one who can give me satisfaction and joy. Beth Moore once said something like, my time with God is like a bowl of ice cream (which is more than enough). He satisfies and sustains me for every day. If I get a compliment, or a casual smile, well that's just the whipped cream and cherry on top.

I'm not quite sure what the point of this blog is, because I haven't come to any conclusions. All I know is that this is something almost all women struggle with and tonight I had to wrestle with it.

The Weekend

This past weekend was one of the craziest weekends ever, but it was great. Once a year some of my closest girl-friends all get together and spend 3-4 days somewhere. We started the tradition my freshman year of college and have kept it up. I've been to Jefferson, TX; a bed and breakfast in Fort Smith, AR; camping at Pedernales Falls, TX; on a cruise to Cozumel, Mexico and this year to Fort Worth, TX. I look forward to these weekends every year and always walk away with great memories (and pictures).

This year was different from any other year because it was the last girls weekend with all 5 of us for awhile (plus, my twin sister being married through a new element in the mix as well). Anna leaves for 2 months of training at the end of April, then she's off to Thailand for 2 years as part of the Journeyman program with the IMB. We decided girl's weekend might have to take place overseas in the coming years considering out of the 5 girls who attend, 3 of us have a heart for missions and plan to be overseas within the next few years. We'll see how that dream pans out =).

Pictures from girls weekend will be coming soon.

After a wonderful time with the girls, I headed to the church to get ready for our variety night. I was part of two acts. The first, a singing quintet. The church calls us the "Fab Five". That's our entire church pastoral staff. From left to right: Blake Barbe (youth pastor), me, Josh Bailey (worship leader), Don Geiger (pastor), and Tony Gomillion (pastor for ministry development).

We sang Choo Choo Ch'Boogie, a fun up beat song. I think it was cruel to stick me next to the tallest person, oh well, I was thankful Josh was on the other side =).

The second, and my favorite of the two was a ballet routine by 4 of my little girls. They were definitely the highlight of the evening and stole the show. How can you not love them, just look at how cute they are.

Sunday night I got home and, after family prayer time, I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

On a different note, things in Kenya have taken a turn for the worse. Though a power-sharing arrangement was agreed upon, and the position of Prime Minister created and given to Odinga, the details of how much power the position holds are not going smoothly. The ODM has declared that if a suitable compromise is not reached by Thursday, they will hold nationwide protests. The last time protests of this kind were held it resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives and the displacement of hundreds of thousands of people. Please pray that both opposing parties will reach an agreement and stop dragging their feet while the country they're fighting for power over hangs in such a delicate state. Continue to pray for peace for the nation of Kenya and safety for those there.

Love and Joy

I'm part of a women's Bible study and right now we're going through Beth Moore's study Breaking Free. It has been such a good study so far and I've learned so much. This past week we talked about love and the difference between agape love and phileo love. I've heard sermon's about this before, but it was a good reminder. Agapao love is "to esteem, to love indicating a direction of the will, to find one's joy in something/someone, to love in best interest." As opposed to phileo love which is "brotherly love, to love with common interest." Agapao requires sacrifice and is a decision you have to make. Whereas phileo love is much more common because it is a common/shared interest love.

Anyhow, through this discussion about love, Beth quoted Oswald Chambers, "No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first." That quote made me think: "how satisfied is my heart with God?" Two friends of mine got married this weekend. Being part of their wedding day was wonderful and difficult all at the same time. I'm so happy for the couple on their special day, yet I become extremely dissatisfied with being single. God and I always have to talk for awhile after weddings =). During those talks, He reminds me that I need to love (agapao) him with all of my heart, all of my soul and all of my strength. That was a difficult task for me this weekend (though I think I hid it pretty well). However, I have the ability to love God that much because He first loved me. He demonstrates His love to me daily and it is every bit of the definition of agapao above. Beth Moore's discussion about love was a fresh reminder and I was grateful. Funny how God can use a video of Beth Moore to speak comfort to my soul.

Yesterday, a friend and I were talking about the Bible study and what we had taken away from it. We got around to talking about the joy that comes along with loving God. I love meeting people who I can tell AGAPAO God. I always feel blessed from my time with them because their joy with their Lord overflows. I so desire to be one of those people. To be a fool for God...that's my dream, what I daily strive for. I want to radiate with God's joy and love, even in the difficult times.

I'm still working through keeping my heart in the States and not overseas. Still learning multiple lessons and how to glorify God. If I'm here for nothing else than to learn how to love God, that is a worthy cause. As my friend Lara says, "If I can give no other objective or goal for my time at home, let it be that my heart presses on in love."

When Will It End?

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of god so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" -Ephesians 6:10-12 (NIV)

I was out of town this weekend without access to the internet. For a few days I was able to pretend that this country across the sea I've grown to love was back to normal. Afterall, the latest update I had read said that Odinga and Kibaki had met. They were seen smiling for the cameras, so that meant peace and normalcy were right around the corner, right?

When I made it home late Saturday night and checked my email, reality slapped me in the face. Things did not get better over the weekend, instead they got worse. The death toll is now close to 900, and though the government was wanting to close the refugee camps this week, now they're going have to expand them due to the increased number of victims from this war.

What are the politicians doing to help? NOTHING!! Rather than discussing what they can do to end the violence, they just argue about who started the violence. They sit around contemplating what next barb to throw at the opposition, while the people of Kenya are in the middle of a war. One that seems to be spiraling out of control!

This is not a war we can fight with our hands, but it is one we must choose to fight in prayer. Praise the Lord that everyone in the TI compound, as well as all the children TI supports are safe. Please continue to pray for the safety. And continue to pray for peace in Kenya.

Here's the same verse, different version:

"That about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. this is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels."
-Ephesians 6:10-12 (The Message)

World Mandate 2008

This weekend I attended a annual conference in Waco, TX called World Mandate. My first time at World Mandate was last year and God got ahold of me and changed my life. You can read previous blogs about it.

This year, the conference was held at Baylor University. There's something powerful about being in a room with 3,100 other people who are seeking God and worshipping Him. During the hour of worship I could sit, stand, jump, dance, raise my hands, get on my knees, scream and shout, etc. to worship the King, my heavenly Father. I love that freedom of expression.

This year I experienced a new level in my relationship with Jesus Christ. Saturday night, with a broken heart I wrote out this prayer:

Lord, my heart breaks when I think about the nations.

I'm blinded by tears from the pain and the suffering that is in this world.

There is a deep groaning in me for people to come to know You.

Here I am Lord, send me.

To the ends of the earth, to my next door neighbor, wherever YOU need me.

Lord, search me and know my heart.

I'm Yours, through the good times and the bad,

through the sunshine and the rain,

through the dessert and the cool waters.

You have set me apart for Your glory, use me as You will.

I'm here, and I'm willing.

I don't want to be lukewarm.

I don't want to be content.

I want to be a mighty vessel for You, a blessing to the nations of the world.

I'm broken Lord.

My heart is breaking for Your children to know You.

For those in bondage, chained to things of the world.

Lord, I want Your freedom for them.

I want Your joy, Your peace, Your love to fill them.

I desire for them to receive Your healing, Your restoration.

I want them to live a life of liberty, a life in adoration of You.

USE ME to proclaim Your truth.

It's the cry of my heart to follow You; wherever You lead.

I want to be a fool for You.

SEND ME!

After I wrote out this prayer, I crumbled onto my knees and began to sob before the Lord. I was hurting for people of the world who have no idea who Jesus is; ready to leave everything behind and jump on a plane; questioning why I was still in the states; beginning to wonder if I had made the right decision to stay. Suddenly, I began to laugh. In the midst of my mourning a peace filled my heart and joy washed over me. What a sight I must have been, red-eyes, tear stained cheeks, snot all over my sleeves...I went from crying for a good 15 minutes to laughing uncontrollably. All the questions and "what-ifs" disappeared and I knew that my time to go would come. I'm in the states for this time of life, and I'm going to learn and grow while I'm here while looking forward to what God has in store for my future.

A 3 Year Olds Wisdom

Throughout my life I've learned that sometimes God uses the simplest things to teach me something new, or remind me of a truth. This happened again last night.

Fiona Bailey (our worship pastors 3 year old daughter) said "thank you" after receiving a toy from a friend without being prompted by me. I always make a big deal when kids use manners, especially when they do it on their own. So, once again I said, "Fiona, it makes me so happy when you use your manners. More importantly, it makes God happy."

Fiona then looked at me and said, "Miss Lauren, what makes you sad?" We've had this conversation many times before. I tell her that she just made me and God happy, and she always replies "what makes you sad?" Normally, to this simple question I reply, "When you don't use your manners it makes me sad." But yesterday for some reason I decided to go with something different, "When the world seems all messed up and I don't feel like there's anything I can do to make it better, that makes me sad."

Then Fiona, in all of her three year old wisdom, looked at me and said, "Miss Lauren, God has the world in His hands so He can fix it." Then she ran off to play with the other kids and I sat down, stunned at the simple words, yet the deep truth behind them. That's one of the reason why I love working with kids, they remind me what it's like to have childlike faith and trust.

This is Fiona, she's pretty cute and apparently full of wisdom =)

Letting Go

It has now been 11 days since the rioting in Kenya began. 11 days of people suffering from the tension and fear that lingers in the air. Though just a week and half, 11 days is a long time to be living in a community where you're not sure if the neighbor you used to talk to is your friend or enemy. It's a long time to wonder if when you leave your home, you'll be able to return safely. It's a long time to wonder a riot is going to erupt and you're going to get caught in the middle of it.

Yesterday, (Sunday) I was starting to feel the weight of the 11 days, and I live in Dallas, TX, 8534 miles away from Kitale (I looked the distance up online). During the past 11 days there were times when Kenya came to mind and I felt as though I was just repeating a set of phrases without having my heart truly engaged. There were times when I would wake up in the middle of the night, not sure what to pray for. Then there were times when I felt prayed out.

As I was sending out the latest blog from my friend, trying to keep others informed, something inside of me snapped and I felt like crying. I held off the tears until our family prayer time an hour later and I was talking to my family about it I basically just broke down. I realized it was the first time I had allowed myself to truly cry. Tears had trickled down my cheeks before as I read stories and looked at pictures, but I had never cried. My sweet little brother (i say little, but he's bigger than me, just younger) came over, put his arm around me and just let me cry. He was also smart enough to bring some kleenexes along with him. It felt really good to release it. I realized I had not truly let go and given it all to God, I was still holding on to some part of it, my dad called me out on that.

I went outside later that night with my guitar and for 2 hours just looked at the stars, prayed and played. It was so good for me. I was able to relinquish control, something that's not easy for me. But as I sat outside and looked at the stars I felt so small, and it felt good to be small. It felt good to let go. Surprise, surprise, right? (wink)

Today as I was cleaning out my collections of email, I ran across this chain letter. Normally I just delete them, but for some reason I decided to open this one. It's a prayer and it was a blessing for me to read and hit on several of the major points I've struggled with over the past 11 days.

'May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.'

So, though there is still tension in the air. Though there are still police roaming the streets. Though there is still a shortage of some basic commodities. God is at work and He is good, all the time.