I was laying in bed tonight desperately trying to fall asleep but an advertisement I saw today just kept creeping into my head and try as I might, I couldn't sleep. As I was checking my facebook account and saw a new advertisement. Normally I see those "single" advertisements, you know the ones that say "find your true love now" or "have 5 guys compete for your attention". Today as I looked at the advertisement expecting to see something reminding me that my facebook status is single, I instead see "tired of being a fat cow?" Oh yes, that's what it said and it made me angry. What's worse, it made me question myself, the poisonous thought took it's toll. Seeds of concern and doubt were planted. And now I'm here asking questions.
Who says something like that? Why would someone advertise something so hurtful? Why does the world seem so bent on making women feel fat? Why do I so easily believe it? Why is it so hard to believe that I am beautiful?
So now, rather being in a peaceful slumber, I'm sitting here, staring at my computer screen asking questions for which I have no answer. I'm all wrapped up in my favorite blanket which brings with it a much needed sense of safety, comfort and warmth.
I'm listening to the rain fall outside knowing there has to be some analogy there, but failing to grasp hold of it. Despite how upsetting the advertisement was and the questions it caused me to ask of myself, there's something about being still and quiet, just listening to the rain. Something about how rain brings new life and washes things clean. I know there's something there for me to discover, some new lesson about myself that I need to be made aware of, but it's just out of my reach.
I'm not looking for compliments or boosts for my self esteem, I learned awhile ago that God is the only one who can give me satisfaction and joy. Beth Moore once said something like, my time with God is like a bowl of ice cream (which is more than enough). He satisfies and sustains me for every day. If I get a compliment, or a casual smile, well that's just the whipped cream and cherry on top.
I'm not quite sure what the point of this blog is, because I haven't come to any conclusions. All I know is that this is something almost all women struggle with and tonight I had to wrestle with it.
2 comments:
Awww...I HATE facebook cause it did that to you. Bummer. I love the rain too. That was one of my favorite times in AFrica, when it would pour. Once I just went runnign in it, all over the yard. Another time I fell asleep under the gazebbo to the sound of the rain coming. Isn't rain wonderful? No matter my mood, rain or the ocean are the two things that always put things into perspective for me.
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