to live is ___ and to die is ___

Have you ever had those moments when you question why you're doing something, or how you got involved? That happened to me tonight.

Tonight was the last night of Celebration with our refugee kids and it was a rough night. The entire evening I was talking to kids about their attitudes, mostly their ungratefulness. No matter what we do, or what snack we have, or how many volunteers there are the kids ALWAYS complain. Tonight it was the worst. We had planned a special night for the kids. After playing games and talking in small groups we ended with a pizza party and chocolate chip cookies. The kids got one slice of pizza and two cookies each and all they could do was complain, "I don't like this kind of pizza/cookie"or, "the pizza is cold" or, "the cookies aren't warm". I just wanted to take it all back. In reality, I wanted to make them all sit down and give them a speech about their attitudes, but settled for one on one interaction with several individuals instead.

At the end of the night all the volunteers just sat down and we all felt discouraged. We didn't commit 3 hours each Monday night to hear, "I hate you!" or be cussed out by kids. None of us came to break-up fights or try to maintain peace. Or did we? As we talked about why we were there I started searching my own motives and realized part of me came because I wanted to make a difference. I came because I thought I could be an asset, because working with kids from Africa fulfilled a need I had. However, I kept coming back because I belong to a Lord who desires for all of those kids to know Him.

Philippians 1 talks about the gospel being preached for two motives, a right one and a wrong one, but that Christ can use both. Verse 21 says, "for me, to live is Christ and to die is gain". I had a professor in college who once wrote that verse out on a white board with two blank spaces: for me, to live is _____ and to die is ______. As we talked about this verse she said something I'll never forget, "unless the first blank is Christ, the second will never be gain." That was a reality for me tonight. Through all the hardships and attitudes, during all the times I've been spit on, cussed out and flipped off, at the end of the day, if I endured it all for Christ then it wasn't for loss, but for gain.

It was a hard truth to remember during a rough night, but also encouraging and challenging.

I know the kids enjoyed celebration, I know they want to come and I know they talk about it when they get home. We made a difference, even if it doesn't seem like it, even if it seems like no ground was gained, if we were all their for God's glory and not our own, then we succeeded!