Did I mean to say that??

This past week my sister and I were talking about the meaning of words and why we say certain things. It was an interesting conversation because I'd never given much thought to why I say certain things. Often times, words just come tumbling out of my mouth without me ever really thinking about what I'm trying to say.

For example, if something great happens in life, one of my phrases is "Praise the Lord!" But what do I really mean when I say that? Another common phrase I use, "bless the hands that prepared this food". But again, what am I actually trying to communicate? It's been an interesting thought process for me this week. I catch myself using all kinds of key "Christian" phrases throughout my daily life. Is that a bad thing? Not in theory, but if I'm not thinking about what I'm saying then yes, I do think it's a bad thing.

I don't want to say things because I know it's the right thing to say, or the accepted thing to say. I want to be specific and direct, I want to process why I say certain things and think about what I really mean instead.

A "Clean" Perspective

You know those car commercials for some insurance company that say "life comes at you fast"? That's how I felt this weekend because it was CRAZY!! Random side note: I catered an event for the President of Mexico on Saturday night. Yep, how cool is that?!? I met him, served him dinner, and spoke the very little Spanish I knew...CRAZY!!

Okay, onto the point of this blog: So sometimes when my life feels like it's out of control it unfolds in a way that stresses me out. That happens because I let things build up inside of me. Rather than making time to sort through my thoughts and emotions, when "life comes at me fast" I just stuff thoughts and feelings away and keep running. Eventually, I explode. Thankfully that didn't happen this weekend, but I came close.

Sunday I cleaned my apartment, it was in a very sorry state. One of the things I discovered about myself in college is that my living area gets messy when life feels messy or out of control. I can only stand the mess for so long, then it has to get cleaned. So, I cleaned my apartment, and as is tradition now, while cleaning, I sorted through why life felt out of control. It's such a good, deep cleanse of my thoughts and emotions. Because as I'm on my hands and knees scrubbing that mark off my floor, I'm also talking to God and letting Him scrub away the stain I've ignored in my life. As God and I talked and worked through things, I often found myself taking a short break to write thoughts down. Very quickly, however, I would get back to work, knowing there was still more to do. I took my time cleaning. I was in no hurry and I knew I needed to process what was going on. There were some "not-so-fun" times when God revealed some "gunk" in my life and I just cringed. Wondering why I hadn't seen that before, a little ashamed of my neglect.

The cleaner my apartment became, the less complicated and messy life seemed. Amazing the change that occurred when I took the time to work through the "gunk" rather than continually walk around it. As I got ready to go to my parent's home I took one last look around my apartment, to see if I missed anything. While at the same time, taking another look inside myself to make sure nothing else needed to be addressed. As I glanced around an amazing peace just settled in me and I was so thankful for the new perspective.

Sometimes, it just takes time to work through the gunk in life. Though at times the cleaning process can be time consuming and painful, it's always worth it in the end.

Beauty from Ashes

Yesterday I had a "blah" day. It was one of those days when I just didn't feel like myself and was just a little down hearted. The weirdest part of the entire experience was that I didn't have a bad day, it was actually a very productive day. I set a goal for what I wanted to accomplish and I got it all done and organized. But my joy was gone. For awhile I wanted to blame it on the weather. Dallas has now had 3 days of cloudy, misty, dreary days and I alway drag a little more when there's no sunshine. But it wasn't the weather's fault. Despite how easy that answer would have been, I knew better.

I got home, still in my gloomy mood and just didn't feel like doing anything. I tried working out, but lacked the motivation. I tried reading, but couldn't concentrate. I tried going on a walk, but it started raining and I had left my rain jacket at home. Nothing seemed to be going the way I wanted it to. So, what did I resort to? The TV. I mindlessly watched TV for 2 hours last night and though that distracted me, it didn't solve the problem.

Finally I sat down to write an email to a friend and just talk through what was going on. I felt a little better after admitting my struggles. Then I just stared at my computer screen and talked with God for awhile. Randomly, I felt the need to look through my inbox. Thinking "this is pointless" I followed the impulse and came across a YouTube link from a friend. It was a video of Louie Giglio talking about Laminin and it was a powerful message. During his talk the weight I'd been carrying around all day started to lift. As I listened to Louie describe Laminin, and how it's the molecule in our body that holds everything together I was intrigued. Then I saw a picture of Laminin:

In case it's not painfully obvious, Laminin, this molecule that holds us together is in the unmistakable shape of a cross.
The colorful image is the molecular structure of Laminin.
The black and white photos are actual pictures of the Laminin molecule.

It was a message I need to hear. I was feeling down because I'd taken my eyes off the cross. And just like Laminin, the cross is what holds me together, it's what keeps me going, it's the only thing that can turn my "blah" days into days of joy and thanksgiving. God's blessings continued to pour down that night as I strummed my guitar and sang praises to God.

I went to bed with a heart that was light as a feather because I cast my burdens at the foot of the cross. The weight was lifted because I once again came to the point of saying "I need you Lord". And I do, with every ounce of my being, I need Him to hold me together.

Awhile ago, I wrote a blog about Isaiah 61:1-2 which says, "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn," Today, I re-read those verses and continued on to Isaiah 61:3, "and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." God is good!! I'm so thankful He puts up with me and continues to love me, despite my imperfections.

Where I've been and what's been going on...

The past two months have been some of the most incredible, crazy, amazing months of my life. I've continued to learn so much about faith and trust in God as well been unbelievably blessed and amazed by His timing.

Right now I'm in the middle of planning the summer for my kids at Redeemer. Between leading a group of teens to work with kids in the West Dallas community, directing a VBS-Outrigger Island, and a heading up a week of camp I've got my hands full. Add to that the culture study my sister and I are doing with my kids on Sunday mornings and well....I'm just busy. But I'm excited about the challenge. This summer is going to fly by!!

After the summer ends another adventure in my life begins...one that I hope will turn into a lifetime. We'll see what God has planned. I'm continually learning to trust in His timing and plan for my life. So far, I haven't been disappointed =).

In more recent news, this past weekend I was part of a wedding for a home school friend. Friday night, in place of a rehearsal dinner the couple threw a barn dance. Here are a couple of pics from the night.

Well, that's the quick update. I'll try to be more consistent with my blogging habits in the future!

incredibly imperfect, but wonderfully loved...

I realized it's been 3 1/2 weeks since my last blog, which isn't terrible, but isn't good either. So, here's an update on my life:

March has been a CRAZY...AMAZING month!! Lots has happened in my life and God has been teaching me about trusting in His perfect timing.

I had a friend from Kenya come to visit me and my family during the first week of March. 11 days after he left, I went up to Reno, NV to visit him and meet his family. Without divulging lots of details, let's just say I'm excited to see how God continues to work in our lives. He's been in control the whole time and it's exciting to let Him continue to guide us.

I got back from Reno Friday night at 9:00pm. Then, on Saturday I had a huge Easter event planned at my parent's house. The event was a success because my family is INCREDIBLE and just somehow knows what to do without me telling them step by step instructions. They're such a blessing. While the older kids were hiding the Easter eggs, I told the Easter story to the youngsters and several parents, many of which had never heard the Gospel before. During the egg hunt, a few kids and adults came up to me with questions about what I had said. THEY WANTED TO KNOW MORE!! Does it get more exciting than that?!?

Yes is does...to top it off, I ordered an inflatable for the kids to play on that day (which was a huge success). I went over and was talking to the guys who delivered it and set it up for me. They wanted to know what was going on. I told them it was an Easter celebration. They said they didn't see many eggs =), so I got to explain that for my family and several families present, Easter is more than eggs filled with candy and a bunny, it's about the resurrection of Jesus, and that's why we celebrate it. The next day, I received an email from one the guys telling me that my family made an impact on him and he saw that Christ can be a part of normal day to day life. He said he's been burned by Christians in the past, but was thinking about re-newing his relationship with Christ. Is God good or what?!?!

The trusting in God's perfect timing comes into play in several areas of my life. One of which was the fact that I didn't want to leave Reno. Honestly (and selfishly) when I got up Saturday morning to get my parent's house ready for the event I was feeling a little sorry for myself. But God had a bigger and better plan. Why oh why do I forget that so often? I seem to have to learn this lesson over and over again. I think I know what's best for me. But thankfully, before getting frustrated with me God always extends His hand of mercy to remind me that He knows me better than I know myself. Sometimes I wonder why He puts up with me. =)

Well, that's me...incredibly imperfect, but wonderfully loved me. Have a blessed day!

Why??

I was laying in bed tonight desperately trying to fall asleep but an advertisement I saw today just kept creeping into my head and try as I might, I couldn't sleep. As I was checking my facebook account and saw a new advertisement. Normally I see those "single" advertisements, you know the ones that say "find your true love now" or "have 5 guys compete for your attention". Today as I looked at the advertisement expecting to see something reminding me that my facebook status is single, I instead see "tired of being a fat cow?" Oh yes, that's what it said and it made me angry. What's worse, it made me question myself, the poisonous thought took it's toll. Seeds of concern and doubt were planted. And now I'm here asking questions.

Who says something like that? Why would someone advertise something so hurtful? Why does the world seem so bent on making women feel fat? Why do I so easily believe it? Why is it so hard to believe that I am beautiful?

So now, rather being in a peaceful slumber, I'm sitting here, staring at my computer screen asking questions for which I have no answer. I'm all wrapped up in my favorite blanket which brings with it a much needed sense of safety, comfort and warmth.

I'm listening to the rain fall outside knowing there has to be some analogy there, but failing to grasp hold of it. Despite how upsetting the advertisement was and the questions it caused me to ask of myself, there's something about being still and quiet, just listening to the rain. Something about how rain brings new life and washes things clean. I know there's something there for me to discover, some new lesson about myself that I need to be made aware of, but it's just out of my reach.

I'm not looking for compliments or boosts for my self esteem, I learned awhile ago that God is the only one who can give me satisfaction and joy. Beth Moore once said something like, my time with God is like a bowl of ice cream (which is more than enough). He satisfies and sustains me for every day. If I get a compliment, or a casual smile, well that's just the whipped cream and cherry on top.

I'm not quite sure what the point of this blog is, because I haven't come to any conclusions. All I know is that this is something almost all women struggle with and tonight I had to wrestle with it.

The Weekend

This past weekend was one of the craziest weekends ever, but it was great. Once a year some of my closest girl-friends all get together and spend 3-4 days somewhere. We started the tradition my freshman year of college and have kept it up. I've been to Jefferson, TX; a bed and breakfast in Fort Smith, AR; camping at Pedernales Falls, TX; on a cruise to Cozumel, Mexico and this year to Fort Worth, TX. I look forward to these weekends every year and always walk away with great memories (and pictures).

This year was different from any other year because it was the last girls weekend with all 5 of us for awhile (plus, my twin sister being married through a new element in the mix as well). Anna leaves for 2 months of training at the end of April, then she's off to Thailand for 2 years as part of the Journeyman program with the IMB. We decided girl's weekend might have to take place overseas in the coming years considering out of the 5 girls who attend, 3 of us have a heart for missions and plan to be overseas within the next few years. We'll see how that dream pans out =).

Pictures from girls weekend will be coming soon.

After a wonderful time with the girls, I headed to the church to get ready for our variety night. I was part of two acts. The first, a singing quintet. The church calls us the "Fab Five". That's our entire church pastoral staff. From left to right: Blake Barbe (youth pastor), me, Josh Bailey (worship leader), Don Geiger (pastor), and Tony Gomillion (pastor for ministry development).

We sang Choo Choo Ch'Boogie, a fun up beat song. I think it was cruel to stick me next to the tallest person, oh well, I was thankful Josh was on the other side =).

The second, and my favorite of the two was a ballet routine by 4 of my little girls. They were definitely the highlight of the evening and stole the show. How can you not love them, just look at how cute they are.

Sunday night I got home and, after family prayer time, I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

On a different note, things in Kenya have taken a turn for the worse. Though a power-sharing arrangement was agreed upon, and the position of Prime Minister created and given to Odinga, the details of how much power the position holds are not going smoothly. The ODM has declared that if a suitable compromise is not reached by Thursday, they will hold nationwide protests. The last time protests of this kind were held it resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives and the displacement of hundreds of thousands of people. Please pray that both opposing parties will reach an agreement and stop dragging their feet while the country they're fighting for power over hangs in such a delicate state. Continue to pray for peace for the nation of Kenya and safety for those there.

Love and Joy

I'm part of a women's Bible study and right now we're going through Beth Moore's study Breaking Free. It has been such a good study so far and I've learned so much. This past week we talked about love and the difference between agape love and phileo love. I've heard sermon's about this before, but it was a good reminder. Agapao love is "to esteem, to love indicating a direction of the will, to find one's joy in something/someone, to love in best interest." As opposed to phileo love which is "brotherly love, to love with common interest." Agapao requires sacrifice and is a decision you have to make. Whereas phileo love is much more common because it is a common/shared interest love.

Anyhow, through this discussion about love, Beth quoted Oswald Chambers, "No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first." That quote made me think: "how satisfied is my heart with God?" Two friends of mine got married this weekend. Being part of their wedding day was wonderful and difficult all at the same time. I'm so happy for the couple on their special day, yet I become extremely dissatisfied with being single. God and I always have to talk for awhile after weddings =). During those talks, He reminds me that I need to love (agapao) him with all of my heart, all of my soul and all of my strength. That was a difficult task for me this weekend (though I think I hid it pretty well). However, I have the ability to love God that much because He first loved me. He demonstrates His love to me daily and it is every bit of the definition of agapao above. Beth Moore's discussion about love was a fresh reminder and I was grateful. Funny how God can use a video of Beth Moore to speak comfort to my soul.

Yesterday, a friend and I were talking about the Bible study and what we had taken away from it. We got around to talking about the joy that comes along with loving God. I love meeting people who I can tell AGAPAO God. I always feel blessed from my time with them because their joy with their Lord overflows. I so desire to be one of those people. To be a fool for God...that's my dream, what I daily strive for. I want to radiate with God's joy and love, even in the difficult times.

I'm still working through keeping my heart in the States and not overseas. Still learning multiple lessons and how to glorify God. If I'm here for nothing else than to learn how to love God, that is a worthy cause. As my friend Lara says, "If I can give no other objective or goal for my time at home, let it be that my heart presses on in love."

When Will It End?

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of god so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" -Ephesians 6:10-12 (NIV)

I was out of town this weekend without access to the internet. For a few days I was able to pretend that this country across the sea I've grown to love was back to normal. Afterall, the latest update I had read said that Odinga and Kibaki had met. They were seen smiling for the cameras, so that meant peace and normalcy were right around the corner, right?

When I made it home late Saturday night and checked my email, reality slapped me in the face. Things did not get better over the weekend, instead they got worse. The death toll is now close to 900, and though the government was wanting to close the refugee camps this week, now they're going have to expand them due to the increased number of victims from this war.

What are the politicians doing to help? NOTHING!! Rather than discussing what they can do to end the violence, they just argue about who started the violence. They sit around contemplating what next barb to throw at the opposition, while the people of Kenya are in the middle of a war. One that seems to be spiraling out of control!

This is not a war we can fight with our hands, but it is one we must choose to fight in prayer. Praise the Lord that everyone in the TI compound, as well as all the children TI supports are safe. Please continue to pray for the safety. And continue to pray for peace in Kenya.

Here's the same verse, different version:

"That about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. this is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels."
-Ephesians 6:10-12 (The Message)

World Mandate 2008

This weekend I attended a annual conference in Waco, TX called World Mandate. My first time at World Mandate was last year and God got ahold of me and changed my life. You can read previous blogs about it.

This year, the conference was held at Baylor University. There's something powerful about being in a room with 3,100 other people who are seeking God and worshipping Him. During the hour of worship I could sit, stand, jump, dance, raise my hands, get on my knees, scream and shout, etc. to worship the King, my heavenly Father. I love that freedom of expression.

This year I experienced a new level in my relationship with Jesus Christ. Saturday night, with a broken heart I wrote out this prayer:

Lord, my heart breaks when I think about the nations.

I'm blinded by tears from the pain and the suffering that is in this world.

There is a deep groaning in me for people to come to know You.

Here I am Lord, send me.

To the ends of the earth, to my next door neighbor, wherever YOU need me.

Lord, search me and know my heart.

I'm Yours, through the good times and the bad,

through the sunshine and the rain,

through the dessert and the cool waters.

You have set me apart for Your glory, use me as You will.

I'm here, and I'm willing.

I don't want to be lukewarm.

I don't want to be content.

I want to be a mighty vessel for You, a blessing to the nations of the world.

I'm broken Lord.

My heart is breaking for Your children to know You.

For those in bondage, chained to things of the world.

Lord, I want Your freedom for them.

I want Your joy, Your peace, Your love to fill them.

I desire for them to receive Your healing, Your restoration.

I want them to live a life of liberty, a life in adoration of You.

USE ME to proclaim Your truth.

It's the cry of my heart to follow You; wherever You lead.

I want to be a fool for You.

SEND ME!

After I wrote out this prayer, I crumbled onto my knees and began to sob before the Lord. I was hurting for people of the world who have no idea who Jesus is; ready to leave everything behind and jump on a plane; questioning why I was still in the states; beginning to wonder if I had made the right decision to stay. Suddenly, I began to laugh. In the midst of my mourning a peace filled my heart and joy washed over me. What a sight I must have been, red-eyes, tear stained cheeks, snot all over my sleeves...I went from crying for a good 15 minutes to laughing uncontrollably. All the questions and "what-ifs" disappeared and I knew that my time to go would come. I'm in the states for this time of life, and I'm going to learn and grow while I'm here while looking forward to what God has in store for my future.

A 3 Year Olds Wisdom

Throughout my life I've learned that sometimes God uses the simplest things to teach me something new, or remind me of a truth. This happened again last night.

Fiona Bailey (our worship pastors 3 year old daughter) said "thank you" after receiving a toy from a friend without being prompted by me. I always make a big deal when kids use manners, especially when they do it on their own. So, once again I said, "Fiona, it makes me so happy when you use your manners. More importantly, it makes God happy."

Fiona then looked at me and said, "Miss Lauren, what makes you sad?" We've had this conversation many times before. I tell her that she just made me and God happy, and she always replies "what makes you sad?" Normally, to this simple question I reply, "When you don't use your manners it makes me sad." But yesterday for some reason I decided to go with something different, "When the world seems all messed up and I don't feel like there's anything I can do to make it better, that makes me sad."

Then Fiona, in all of her three year old wisdom, looked at me and said, "Miss Lauren, God has the world in His hands so He can fix it." Then she ran off to play with the other kids and I sat down, stunned at the simple words, yet the deep truth behind them. That's one of the reason why I love working with kids, they remind me what it's like to have childlike faith and trust.

This is Fiona, she's pretty cute and apparently full of wisdom =)

Letting Go

It has now been 11 days since the rioting in Kenya began. 11 days of people suffering from the tension and fear that lingers in the air. Though just a week and half, 11 days is a long time to be living in a community where you're not sure if the neighbor you used to talk to is your friend or enemy. It's a long time to wonder if when you leave your home, you'll be able to return safely. It's a long time to wonder a riot is going to erupt and you're going to get caught in the middle of it.

Yesterday, (Sunday) I was starting to feel the weight of the 11 days, and I live in Dallas, TX, 8534 miles away from Kitale (I looked the distance up online). During the past 11 days there were times when Kenya came to mind and I felt as though I was just repeating a set of phrases without having my heart truly engaged. There were times when I would wake up in the middle of the night, not sure what to pray for. Then there were times when I felt prayed out.

As I was sending out the latest blog from my friend, trying to keep others informed, something inside of me snapped and I felt like crying. I held off the tears until our family prayer time an hour later and I was talking to my family about it I basically just broke down. I realized it was the first time I had allowed myself to truly cry. Tears had trickled down my cheeks before as I read stories and looked at pictures, but I had never cried. My sweet little brother (i say little, but he's bigger than me, just younger) came over, put his arm around me and just let me cry. He was also smart enough to bring some kleenexes along with him. It felt really good to release it. I realized I had not truly let go and given it all to God, I was still holding on to some part of it, my dad called me out on that.

I went outside later that night with my guitar and for 2 hours just looked at the stars, prayed and played. It was so good for me. I was able to relinquish control, something that's not easy for me. But as I sat outside and looked at the stars I felt so small, and it felt good to be small. It felt good to let go. Surprise, surprise, right? (wink)

Today as I was cleaning out my collections of email, I ran across this chain letter. Normally I just delete them, but for some reason I decided to open this one. It's a prayer and it was a blessing for me to read and hit on several of the major points I've struggled with over the past 11 days.

'May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let His presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.'

So, though there is still tension in the air. Though there are still police roaming the streets. Though there is still a shortage of some basic commodities. God is at work and He is good, all the time.

In Need of Prayer

Friends,

Kenya is currently in a state of political unrest. I have friends in the country who are in need of prayer. Pray for safety, pray for wisdom, pray for peace.

If you would like more specifics visit http://www.dlipparelli.blogspot.com/

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:16

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." Selections from Psalm 46

Raikes Christmas Poem

Twas the day of Thanksgiving
and all through the house
The Raikes family was mingling
with Valerie’s new spouse

The wedding took place
on the first of September
Now Nathan Cozart is our fam’s newest member

Nathan and Val live in Tulsa, O.K.
He designs airplanes, and she’s a T.A.
(teacher’s assistant)

Kristen graduated in May from John Brown
She’s co-teaching with mom livin’ in her home town

Working away to pay off her school loans
Then out to the mission field she will roam

Stephen spent his summer
at Camp War Eagle again
Impacting kids for Christ
at this place where he’d been

Performing in musicals for FMT
While attending school
at Criswell and Cedar Valley

Jonathan is also a star on the stage
Frisbee golfing and swing dancing
…it’s all the rage

After receiving his high school diploma in May
He now goes to Cedar Valley every day

Mom and Dad have been busy indeed
With weddings, a surgery and 5 mouths to feed

Before planning Val’s wedding
Mom directed VBS
With 7 classes at 2 co-op’s,
she’s not getting much rest

Still teaching Sunday school,
still hanging with friends
To all of you and your families,
much love she sends

Dad tore a leg muscle and had surgery in June
But he’s moving around
and back singing his tunes

After graduating 2 kids
and giving a daughter away
He’s back at work with his hands every day

Now on to me, oldest kid of this bunch
In May to Kenya, I flew in a crunch

After my travels to kids overseas
I took a job at Redeemer,
and now own church keys

That is the update on life with the Raikes
We spent Thanksgiving with Grandpa
(who makes no mistakes)

We hope and pray your light shines for our Lord
If so, know in heaven your treasures are stored

That is the end of this note I will write
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night

Blind-Sided Christmas Joy

Odd title, I know, but you'll understand more as you read.

Tuesday morning I woke up and felt the strong need to pray for pre-teen girl, we'll call her Susan. I had been over to Susan's house Monday night to watch her and her younger siblings while her parents went out on a date. Susan's struggling through the need to have "things" and the fact that those "things" bring her happiness. The temporary things of this world have caught her eye and she's seeking them for her joy and satisfaction in life and it's hard to watch. It's hard for me because I see a girl with influence who could make such an impact for Christ if she'll only trust in Him to fill her with joy.

Throughout the morning Susan was on my heart, then I get a call from my sister and brother telling me that I need to pray for Jonathan and a friend of his. That's it, no explanation, no specifics, just the fact that I needed to pray. The urgency of the situation suddenly overcame me so I closed the door to my office, got down on my knees and started fervently praying for my brother. I continued in this manner all day. As the situation would come back to mind or I would become fearful of what circumstances caused this sudden plea for prayer, I would drop down on my knees praying for strength and courage for all parties involved in the situation, including myself. I had to keep reminding myself that God has not given me a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power and love and self-discipline and I should not be afraid because He's got it under control.

At 8pm that night I finally heard the cause for my prayers. Due to the delicateness of the situation, I can't share the details but it knocked the wind out of me. I had not been supportive of Jonathan in this particular situation, I felt like my brother and I were in this constant struggle because, in my mind, he wouldn't see reason. God definitely humbled me and my judgmental heart Tuesday evening. The situation was partially what I had feared, but hadn't had confirmed. It reminded me of all the hurt and pain that my friends and my siblings friends could be hiding; the secrets that their pride and fear of "what if's" does not allow to be shared. It brought with it an urgency and renewal to be Christs hand's and feet to a hurting world; to be His comforting arms embracing each broken and hurting person that needs Christ's love more than anything.

As if I needed more to contemplate this week, the fact that I was blind-sided this holiday season shook me out of the American "Christmas Spirit". As I sat in my apartment last night thinking of ways to show God's love to these two people a night long ago abruptly came back to mind. In a cave, on a cold night, on the outskirts of a small town, God Himself breathed his first breath of air. There were no comforts, no nurses, no doctors, no bed, no diapers, no medicine for Mary, no money from Joseph, and no room for them in the Inn. They had sheep. They had smelly, stinky sheep. They were likely surrounded by straw and manure. God as an infant was completely dependent on a young teenage peasant girl for everything. As the story flooded my mind I was reminded me of how much God loves the world and how much He sacrificed to display that unconditional love.

It brought me back to why I celebrate this season. It's not the fact that it gets cold outside, I can finally wear my winter wardrobe. It's not because I can drink hot drinks and sit by a fire. It's not because neighborhoods become friendly and colorful with the twinkle of Christmas lights. It's not that my family comes together. It's not because I get time off work, or gifts, or an abundance of cookies, food, and free holiday performances. I don't get a warm cozy feeling because I simply like this time of year. Though all that is a part of my Christmas season each year, and though yes, I do enjoy it...all of it would be meaningless without Christ. I love the holiday season because my cup seems to continually overflow with joy.

That joy swept over me last night as I was working through a plan of action and just beginning to feel the weight of the task ahead. When the possibilities began to seem unreachable, I was reminded of what God sacrificed when He reached out to this lost and hurting world. God's love and power is enough. Though the road ahead won't be an easy one I'm going to face it head on, because I know I'm fighting on the right side.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about either of these situations. There are two hurting and confused people right here within my reach and I need to take action. Prayer would be greatly appreciated for both of these situation and for me as I seek how to implement what God lays on my heart.

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart (you know the rest)

Have you ever been so full of joy you felt like you were going to explode? I had that feeling today. The past 24 hours have just been so full of life and love. I decided to lead a trip to Pachuca, Mexico this summer. The trip will take place in June and I had that feeling that I made the absolute right decision when I committed. After my normal busy Wednesday night ministries, I went to coffee house. It’s a college/singles ministry my church has on Wednesday nights. It was open mic night, meaning I got to hear some incredibly talented musicians and just talk and enjoy my friends all around me. I got to have 3 solid conversations with friends who I hadn’t spent much time with recently. It was such a blessing. I stayed until the night was over and left not feeling a bit tired, but so grateful. I came home and was able to talk to a friend in Africa for awhile, also a blessing. When I crawled into bed life felt so utterly complete.

This morning, I woke up before my alarm went off. Rather than regret my late night, I was full of energy and ready to start my day. I spent some quality time with God, and got to work early. I had lunch with my sister and we got to talk and catch up. She is on the ground floor of a Muslim ministry getting started at my church that several young people are involved in. Late this afternoon I had a meeting with our missions coordinator and Barbara Baker, she’s our missionary in Pachuca, Mexico. Talking to her and learning about the culture and customs, ideas for ministry while we’re there, etc. After my time with Barbara and Paul ended in prayer, my dear friend Meredith called and informed me that she had been offered a position on our missions committee. I left the church office feeling like I was floating on cloud nine.

I feel like our church is at a point of transition. We’re transitioning into a new generation. Leaders in my generation (my close friends) are rising up, and the church leadership is taking notice and giving them the leadership they’re eager for. And I LOVE it!!

The day was finished off with dinner with my family, then a little praise and worship time on my own at my apartment. My heart is so full of joy I can’t even describe it, but I thought I’d share my joy. I hope and pray your life is as full of joy as mine has been these past 24 hours. God’s goodness and love has just blown me away and I’m so thankful I’m His child.

The Waiting Place

Have you ever read the Dr. Seuss book "Oh The Places You'll Go"? I feel like I'm in the waiting place of Dr. Seuss' story. Here it is just in case you haven't, it's a fun book:

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU  are the gal who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets.  Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do
to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,don't worry.  Don't stew.
Just go right along. You'll  start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don' t
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true
Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF  you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
            
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a  train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a better break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or another chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored.  There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame!  You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some  times you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you.

All  Alone! Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul
On you will go though your enemies prowl
On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know.
You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step, step with care and great tact
and remember that life's a great balancing act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never  mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

---Dr. Seuss

Right now, I find myself in the waiting place, and though I don't find it useless, I am ready to move on. There is so much I want to do with my life, but I feel God saying "wait". I want to go to Kenya again, but I'm not sure it will happen this summer. I was approached recently about leading a small trip to Mexico to visit some of my church's missionaries down there, so I'm thinking and praying about that possibility. The possibility just got presented and again, nothing is nailed down yet, but I don't know if I could leave in May for Kenya then turn around the leave at the end of June for Mexico. Plus, I don't know if I can take that much time off. And what about VBS?

If I could, I'd drop everything and move out of the US today. So, going back again, maybe even for a longer time sounds like my dream come true, but just because it's my dream, doesn't mean it's in God's plan for my life at this point, in the future, maybe (hopefully) but I don't know about
right now.

Obviously, I have a lot to think and pray about. A piece of my heart is still in Kenya, but I can't just discard the opportunity to lead a trip to Mexico because I love Kenya. This trip to Mexico could open the eyes of several more people to the world of missions and the need in third world countries. So, I'm waiting, for what, I'm not sure yet, but I'm waiting.

I know I don't want to do children's ministry in the US for the rest of my life, but right now, I'm here waiting on God. I've only been back in the US for 7 months and I'm already growing impatient for a response. I know I'm not supposed to stay here, but I don't know where I'm supposed to go. I don't even know if I should know where I'm supposed to go first, or if
I should just jump on a plane and figure it out once I'm out of the US. Right now, I'm committed to being here, in Dallas, TX, and waiting for God to answer. I'm just waiting, with the hope the knowledge that God won't call me to wait forever. I just need to trust in His timing. I'll leave "the Waiting Place" as Dr. Seuss calls it sometime, and then who knows where I'll go =).

on suffering (a blog from my friend Lara)

Is there not wrong too bitter for atoning?
What are these desperate and hideous years?
Hast Thou not heard Thy whole creation groaning,
Sighs of a bondsman and a woman's tears?
-F.W.H. Meyers

"The problem of pain," as C.S. Lewis titled it with his book on suffering, has been rattling around in me these three months, knocking its way through the hallways of my mind, tipping over tomes of theology I thought I had arranged quite nicely. (I used that word for you, Andrew.)

I can't claim to have anything new--gosh, C.S. Lewis wrote a book on it. But here are some thoughts:

Pain hurts. And we do not know why. Why pain, why hurt. If I imagine pain's arrival in Kolkata, I see him holding a very large suitcase, a suitcase he immediately unlatched and shook, letting fears and tears and broken bones and hungry bellies scatter aross the alleys and streets of this city. Whenever I arrived in Kolkata, with my very tiny suitcase of hope and goodwill and dreams, I took one look around the place and wanted to sit in a corner and cry. Nothing I had seen in my safe and sterile past prepared me for this.

Pain and suffering aren't things the church talks about all that much. The American church the least, probably. There is no blame to place or finger to point. The larger part of our culture just doesn't have to--or perhaps more accurately, doesn't want to--deal with it.

In her book, A Path Through Suffering, Elisabeth Elliot writes this:

Suffering, even in its mildest forms--inconvienence, delay, disappointment, discomfort, or anything else that is not in harmony with our whims and preferences--we will not tolerate. We even reject and deny it.

This is me. This has been me even in India. Always looking for ways to preserve self, to settle myself in comfortably, to watch out for me. I do it so naturally.

Then I read snippets in the Bilbe, snippets that jolt me with their dissonance to the way I am living.
"though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials"
"in this world you will have trouble"
"but it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on Him, but also to suffer for Him"

It's like I am living in a different reality. When I live by the reality of this world, suffering makes absolutely no sense. When I believe more in earth than I believe in eternity, suffering sinks me. The ship goes down fast when I see children without mothers, men without limbs, women without escape.

Why pain? Why hurt?

Here I learn, some days most harshly, other days more gently, that suffering is something from which I cannot hide. There will be no cowering in the closet until all the dark clouds pass.

Elisabeth says this also,

"I know of no answer to give to anyone except the answer given to all the world in the cross. It was there that the Great Grain of Wheat died not that death should be the end of the story, but that it should be the beginning of the story."

I have nothing more than this either. Jesus suffered. Jesus hurt. At whatever depth to which the world's most intense pain settles, Jesus went to that depth. Yes, He has heard the whole creation groaning. Even this night, when I will try to meet sleep again as questions flit and dip through me, He hears.

Now, as He died, to change the meaning of death to a signal of life, of rebirth,

am I willing to die?

CPR, Frist Aid, Christmas Presents and Prayer

What an odd title for a blog? How on earth do those things correspond with each other? Glad you asked, let me tell you...

Last week I made a morning commute through Dallas traffic to downtown Dallas where I took a CPR Instructor class. The class was from 8am-6pm, Tuesday-Friday and was mostly lecture (a fact I was unaware of before signing up for the class). My motivation for taking the class has many facets.

1. I currently work at Redeemer Bible Church as their Children's Director and I want at least one volunteer in every classroom to be CPR/First Aid certified, plus I think it's important for our staff to be certified in case of an emergency.
2. I've been taking some kind of First Aid course since I was 13. Whether it be babysitters training, CPR, First Aid, Lifeguarding, Wilderness First Responder, etc. I've been certified in some area related to first aid, and God like to use my knowledge apparently because I'm continually having to utilize what I've learned.
3. Red Cross is internationally recognized as an "Aide" organization. My certification can grant me access into countries simply because I'm associated with Red Cross. I can also train people internationally.
   

All those motivators kept me awake and attentive throughout the class. I passed the test and now am I proud owner of an instructor card (which I plan to laminate). My certification allows me to teach a host of classes. From CPR to First Aid to Wilderness Training to Babysitters training...and the list goes one. Then one I'm most excited about is Wilderness Training, it just sounds exciting!! So that wraps up the CPR/First Aid portion of this blog, now onto Christmas Presents.

On Sunday, November 11th, my mother had the brilliant idea to invite our family over to stuff and wrap Operation Christmas child presents. I will do these every year because I have a friend who was in Thailand when the presents were delivered and her stories and pictures of the kids will always motivate me to participate in Operation Christmas Child. Anyhow, my family enjoys getting together, but we usually make it revolve around a holiday or birthday, so revolving it around a service project was new. The day was such a success!! We planned to stuff 4 boxes, 2 for boys and 2 for girls, but my family brought so many toys, pens, pencils, paint, etc. that we ended up filling 9 boxes and still had supplies left over! The day was made a success because it gave us a bridge to talk to my family about God in a non-threatening way. When asked where the boxes go and why we're stuffing boxes, my mother, sister and I were able to share bits of the Gospel with my family.

One moment that I stick with me for awhile was when my Grandma asked why we were stuffing so many boxes. My mother responded, "because God calls us to care for orphans and widows so we're going to follow His command." My Grandma was a little thrown off by her response, but it hit home and I was so proud of my mom for not taking the easy way out.

While this might not seem like a very big deal to many of you, it was a turning point for my immediate family. We're not stepping down anymore and settling for whatever our extended family will give us, we're taking charge. There's a sense of urgency now and I love it!! After years and years of prayer we're finally starting to see fruit. I was at my Aunt's house the other day to wish my cousin "good luck" before her volleyball try outs and before I could come up with the idea, my Aunt called us over to her and said, "We need to pray". I was almost moved to tears. That statement is one you would hear used in MY family, not my AUNT'S family. It was a joyous moment. We sat down and for 10 minutes prayed for my cousin's try outs and her ministry on whatever team she made.

God's faithfulness to answer my prayers shone through at that moment and it's sparked in me a flame to pray more fervently. I was talking to a friend who's also felt the need to pray more and she said, "when I want something in this life I keep at. If I want to meet with someone, I'm going to keep asking that person until they make time for me. But I'm not that way with God." I'm not either. I pray, but not with a sense of urgency, not with an unquenchable passion. When I lift up things that are specifically connected to my heart and life I feel a sense of urgency, but not with everything. It's a phenomenon I'm still dealing with. But despite that I'm committed to spending more dedicated, focused time in prayer.

That's an update on me. It's been awhile since I've posted anything. Pictures will be arriving soon.

God Bless!!

Soothing to my soul

Lately, I've been desiring a community of friends. I have friends in the DFW area, but they all live at least 25 minutes away from me. I hadn't realized how blessed I'd been to have a community of close friends basically dropped in my life all my life. Now, I'm having to search them out and was beginning to feel discouraged. Then this weekend arrived, and though I still haven't found a close group of friends, my thirst for them got a big drink.

My weekend started on Thursday. I took half a day off, and headed to the state fair with my family and friend. I hadn't been to the fair since my senior year of high school, so going back was different, but great. This is "Big Tex" every 30 minutes or so he greets everyone at the fair, he's been around since 1952, he's an old man!! Between the 8 people I was with, I think we tried ever kind of fair food possible - corn dogs, onion strings, tornado taters, turkey legs, funnel cakes, tamales, deep fried banana pudding, etc. It's been awhile since I've eaten that much grease, my body revolted because I didn't feel good the rest of the night. But hanging out and continuing to build up my relationships with my family and friends was wonderful.

Friday was supposed to be my night to pray for Muslims around the world. So, as usual, my sister Kristen and I jumped in the car and headed off to North Dallas. The problem was that when we arrived, no one was there. Jared and Bethany, the two people who are essentially in charge of this group got caught up in planning "A Night in SE Asia" for Frontiers ministries 25th anniversary and forgot to inform the rest of the group that we weren't meeting. So we all showed up, were all surprised that no one was home, but rather than go our separate ways, we fellowshipped with one another. Kristen and I stood around talking with Matt and Tabitha for almost an hour. We talked about their next step in raising support full-time so they can go out on the mission field. We talked about our passions for reaching other people groups. we talked about the upcoming "Night in SE Asia" that we're all attending and what we were looking forward to. The time seemed to pass by so quickly, and I was so blessed by our conversation.

After we said our goodbyes, Kristen and I headed to White Rock Coffee House to hear Matt Bridgman perform. We walked into the sound of many "hellos" from some of the college students who attend out church. After a round of hugs and brief conversations, Kristen and I headed upstairs with our hot chai to enjoy each other's company as well as the music. Much to our delight Matt's dad, Shawn, came upstairs to join us. As we talked our conversation turned from the shallow "how are you?" to a true "how are YOU?". What a blessing it was. We talked about our church and things we appreciate about the body, and things we would like to see happen in the coming years. We talked about some of our struggles in life and how it's okay to share our struggles with one another, that's what makes us part of the body of Christ. It was such a blessing to hear a father in the church had the same perspective I did. Kristen and I ended up venturing downstairs to talk with Matt's mom, Renee. Again, I was blessed by my conversation with this woman. We talked about missions and her passion for the world. We talked about our own passions and where we saw God working in our lives. She invited us over to her home anytime, and I know she means it. My sister has ventured over there before at 2am and walked into Renee making pancakes for them. All of these conversations took place while I listened to Matt play his guitar and sing. The final song was based on Psalms 130:5-6

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning
more than watchmen for the morning

What a beautiful picture of waiting for God. Looking for Him, more than a tired graveyard shift watchmen looks for the morning. That was just Friday.

Saturday, I attended a Mad Hatters Tea Party in memory of one of my friends mothers. Women from all mile-makers in my life were there and we were all wearing hats! It was a wonderful time for me to fellowship with other women and enjoy their company.

Saturday evening, I volunteered my time to Frontier Mission's 25th Anniversary celebration, "A Night in SE Asia" (mentioned previously). The dinner was held at the Gaylord Texan: Resort Hotel and Convention Center. I've never been in a hotel this big before, and truthfully, though it's massiveness was impressive, I didn't feel comfortable. It seemed unnecessary to have something so large. They even had a separate entrance for "Stars" I took of picture of it, just because it's not a sign you see everyday. But the hotel and convention center was packed. It was good to hear about what God is doing in other countries and to visit with people who want to change the world. I even met a couple who told me they were so encouraged to see so many young people at the event because they don't feel called to "go", but they can "send".

All in all, my weekend was jam packed, and I was completely exhausted afterwards, but it was fulfilling, and much needed. It gave me the tenacity to keep searching, but also to capitalize on the relationships I already have and take the time to talk with people. I hope many more weekends like this follow. I have a few pictures I'll post later.